I have offically begun writing my book. It has been rattling around in my head for years now – since my first VBAC. I have a publisher. I have the idea. Now the work begins. And now is when I need your help.
If you know of a woman who has experienced birth trauma, surgical methods employed with or without her consent (episiotomies, etc.) , cesarean section with or without her consent, etc. have her drop me a note. The principal idea behind the book is to provide a safe place for women who have been damaged physically, emotionally, spiritually during the birth process and how they can reclaim (or hope to reclaim) their losses. Their stories need told. Mine needs told. Names will be changed as privacy is one and the same with safety when opening the wounds of loss.
This book is not about anger, though that emotion will most likely be included. It’s not about resentment, bitterness, medical rape or depression. Though those too will likely be in the limelight throughout. It is about healing. I especially want to include stories of cesareans and subsequent VBAC stories.
My goal is to include 100 voices. I have 18 so far. May I include yours???
I believe if we stand together and SHOUT out the abuse, the damage, show our scars, SPEAK about it – we can be healed and ultimately heal others. And hopefully – prevent further scars from forming in future generations. If we tell other women how VBAC’s can reclaim the lost power, heal the wounds, restore our faith in ourselves, then maybe… just maybe… we can stop the current trend towards banning vaginal births.
100 voices will make a loud noise. Don’t you think?
Dar a Luz Women's Care 
I had a medically necessary episiotomy with my first. I downplay it in my birthstory of her, but it was very damaging. For fear of TMI, I cannot get myself self-lubricated since then, and have intermittent stings on the scar tissue as well. I have issues with allowing my care provider to do vaginal exams and fight panic because of it. The only ones whom I don’t blanch at are my m/w, my dh, and myself.
In addition, my first birth was induced with cytotec, which was against my wishes… and culminated with a massive PPH that almost killed me. That is a whole other story. If you want to contact me for more information, feel free.
I would be more than happy to tell you my cs/VBAC story . It may not be what you are looking for though. but feel free to contact me through my email and I would love to tell it.
I VBAC’ed at home this summer. I only seriously considered home birth after all other conventional settings were clearly not going to support me in VBACing. I’d be happy to be one of the stories in your book. I’m so passionate about home birth now that I’m working to pass licensing legislation in my state!
Congratulations on starting your book, Kelly! That is great!
Molly 🙂
I am sending a linl to your post out to a few lists. Gosh doesn’t every woman know several someones w/traumatic birth stories? I don’ see any contact information for you. Where can folks get a hold of you?
I am not sure that my story is what you are looking for, but we were medically overdosed on Magnesium, and I have no memory of the 2.5 day birthing process, aside from coming to once and a while in panic becuase I thought I had had a stroke. I was given an epidural, not by my wishes, for pain, though I couldn’t feel my lips, much less anything else. Our levels were so toxic that we were in grave danger. She was in NICU for 10 days and could not swallow until the medication was completely out of her system. The doctors only response was that Magnesium is an ugly drug. I have to agree, ugly enough to scare me out of another birth!
I have a tramatic c/s birth story to tell – you may email me if you’d like to read/include it.
I have had 4 births…the first a hoped and planned for homebirth which turned out to be a very nessecary, yet traumatic emergancy c-section at 32 weeks. Good putcome, but lots of things to overcome for myself and husband. 2nd, a hospital
VBAC that was attended by a horrible nurse, it turned out good, but I had tons of stitches afterwards and lots of recouperation time after the fact. My 3rd and 4th were homebirths, the first of which my husband delivered with a midwife in attendance. The later, husband again was babycatcher, but midwife didn’t make it! Our traumatic beginning, turned into healing and beautiful deliveries! God is so mericful and good! If you are interested in hearing more, I would be glad to share.
I had a not really medically necessary C-section for Failure to progress and CPD in 2001. I hated it. The fear to this day is so real to me. I had a hospital VBAC in 2004 that was really healing, though still with medical intervention. I would be happy to share both experiences with you and you may do with them as you wish. Please feel free to email me. Thanks!
Hi there!
Is this book an addition to ICAN’s Cesarean Voices that was published last year? I am a part of ICAN…but my story was not included in ICAN’s book. I would love to send you my stories, or you can find them on my blog. : )
Christy
I had a successful VBAC three months ago. I am working on my birth story and would like to share it. By when would you need it?
I remain very angry about my c-section and desperately want to help women become better informed before their first baby arrives so sections can be avoided.
Katharine
I have two, one a vaginal delivery and one a c-sec. The vaginal (first) was so traumatizing that I waited nine years to have another child, only to have the second birth be worst than the first. I have permanent physical issues from both, and far too much emotional damage. Perhaps sharing my story will help others. E-mail me if you’d like.
I was so excited to see this topic and then disappointed to know that my story wouldn’t fit with the rest of the book. Not all birth traumas center around unwanted surgical methods. There is abuse, manipulation, bullying with medicine, even emotional tactics. I would like to see a book that addresses the gamut of experiences where a mom comes away feeling mistreated, abused and sometimes neglected by the people supposedly caring for her and her baby. I think that maternity care providers need to hear those stories too.
I had a c-section with my first son in 2005 and that was followed nine months ago by a vbac in a hospital setting. I’d love to tell my stories. I feel very passionate about this issue and I wish more women would educate themselves on things like c-sections and their risks. My c-section really traumatized me and though my vbac brought some healing I won’t ever be able to think about my first son’s birth experience without a twinge of regret.
I would love to share my birth story, as well as the story of my healing. After my daughter’s truamatic birth, all I heard was, “At least you have a healthy baby!” But I knew that a healthy baby was not all that mattered. I mattered too. So I set out to look for answers. I wanted to know why this had happened to me, and more importantly, how I could prevent it from happening to someone else. Along the way I met many other women who had experienced the same kind of trauma as I, and together we helped one another heal. Women caring for other women- it is so beautiful. I have finally gotten to a point where I have made peace with my daughter’s birth, because were it not for my traumatic experience I never would have met any of the women who have had such a profound, positive impact on my life. Of course my experience will stay with me for the rest of my life, but, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing anymore. If I can use it to help other families, then at least some good came from it. I would be honored to have my story included.
I would like to share my story. I had a c-section for my first birth, and a VBAC for my second. I think the biggest contributing factor to my c-section was my lack of knowledge of childbirth at the time. I had NO clue about all the different things the drs wanted to do to me. With my second, I was much more educated and had a natural VBAC in a hospital. That birth has inspired me to become a doula, and eventually a midwife. My third birth will be at home, when ever that may be.
My disappointment was to not see have my twins for 5 days, all due to little clitches:” the doctors will be coming soon.” “they loose heat so easily.” “we can’t bring them out until 1PM,4PM etc.” One little old nurse brought them to me in the middle of the night and undressed them, showing me their only differences. I will be forever grateful for this. Meanwhile the lady in the other bed (actually three ladies in a row) complained about being awaked to nurse. I pumped with a “bicycle horn pump” every three hours around the clock only to be told,”I don’t know why you’re doing that; we already have a fridge full of your milk.” My babies had never gotten any. On the fifth day the doctor asked what I thought of my babies and when I told him I hadn’t seen them he exited the room and the babies appeared in less than two minutes. I had one of the first VBACs in the twin cities. On day two they asked”where is her crib.” She had not been out of my arms.
Susan’s story breaks my heart…five days….! Oh mama.
I was 42 weeks and in active labor (water broke with a GUSH) but they put me on Pitocin because it was “policy” for 42 weeks. I should have ripped the IV out. I should have eaten the food I brought that they said I “couldn’t” have and told them to go fuck themselves. I should not have let those interventions happen. Pitocin pain led to epidural led to stalled baby led to c/section. I felt the knife and screamed at him to stop; he almost didn’t. They kept me alone in recovery, not even my doula. They kept my baby from me for six hours. I hemorrhaged 10 days later but they refused to believe they’d left tissue in, despite my inability to breastfeed that was probably connected; my milk never ever came in, and my baby was starving when I caved on the formula.
He was and is healthy. I have still not worked up the courage to go to an OB for a well woman exam 2.5 years later. I’m afraid to let them touch me. A friend who is a sexual assault survivor says my responses are very similar.
My story is distressingly common, but if you want to publish it, let me know.
I had a vbac almost 25 years ago (almost before anybody had ever heard of the term “vbac!”). It is still as vivid as if it had happened yesterday. Please contact me if you’d like to hear more.
Anne
PS: When you’re consoling (or trying to) someone, any sentence that contains the words “at lease” is best left unsaid.
I had a very tramatic experience having my son…so terrifying, I am terrified of getting pregnant again…
I had a horrific 1st delivery, my daughter was breech for at least 7 weeks that I knew of but my doctor told me I was wrong. I could feel her turning her head under my rib cage. She was 2 weeks past my due “date” and finally I drank a bottle of castor oil to forgoe the hospital induction I was threatened with. After 17 hours of labor at home I went to the hospital, 8cm dilated. 3 hours later my body was pushing when a nurse examined me and said she could feel a rectum, my daughters!!! An immediate c-section while knocked out later, I met my daughter, I dont remember it or anything else fully until about 24 hours later. It was awful. Worse than rape. A little less than 2 years later we conceived our son. I was determined for this time to be different. FOr a gentle empowering birth. And I got it!!! Deciding to go to the birth center instead of a hospital was probably the arguement that put my husband and I closest to divorce if there ever was one. Although he understands now what I needed and couldnt be more pleased at the adventure we journeyed through together! I delivered my son and caught him alone, in a tub with a midwife, doctor and husband watching. It was an incredible instant love bonding birth to begin with, but coupling that with the overwhelming healing powers. WOW.
And the best part, because of these experiences I have decided to become a doctor and delivery babies full time. Im half way through my first year of school towards it now.
Anne, I love your statement about “at least!” Its so so so TRUE!! That instantly shut off the conversation for me if someone used that term, or “everything happens for a reason”
Hi. I just had my first baby and would love to share my story for your project. I was intending to have my birth at a Birth Center with midwives and spent much of the pregnancy envisioning a labor in which I could change positions as I wished without excess monitoring or intervention and I even hoped to do a water birth in the Birth Center tub. I went into labor about 5 days after my due date and was having contractions about every 15 minutes for about 30 hours. During that time my husband and I managed the pain at home by doing things like walks, massage, position changes etc. Finally my contractions began to get closer together. The Birth Center wanted me to come in when the contractions were lasting 1 minute each and happening about 3-4 minutes apart. The contractions started to last a minute or longer but were varying in how frequently they were happening, from about 4 minutes to 8 minutes apart. I really wanted to be at home as long as possible because I knew it was more comfortable there and I didn’t want to go in too early which I knew from reading that a lot of women do especially in their first pregnancy and labor. However, after about 4 hours of this sort of labor I was beginning to feel very exhausted and decided I should at least call the Birth Center to see if they wanted me to come in. By this time I had been laboring in total for about 34 hours. We lived very close to the Birth Center and I honestly thought we would go there and most likely be sent back home and told to come back later when I’d progressed further, so when my husband and I drove to the Birth Center we didn’t even take our labor bags with us. I arrived and there were already 2 other women there in labor. There was only one midwife and one nurse there that night. They checked my dilation and I was already in active labor and 5 cm dilated. They checked my blood pressure and it had skyrocketed to something like 150 over 100, very high for me. Because of this high blood pressure the midwife decided I should go over to the hospital. The was it was set up the Birth Center has a sort of “sponsoring” hospital right next door which is where any of their patients get sent if there is any sort of complication and they can’t deliver at the Birth Center. (The Birth Center does not have continuous monitoring equipment nor do they perform epidurals, cesareans, etc.)
So, my husband and I drove over the hospital. I was already feeling kind of scared and upset because I had really wanted to avoid the hospital if at all possible. However I did not have any options so had to go. I got to the hospital and one of the first things that happened after we checked in was they offered me an epidural. I had specifically wanted to avoid an epidural because I knew that one procedure tends to lead to another and I certainly did NOT want a cesarean, the idea scared me to death and I felt strongly that a natural vaginal birth would be best for both me and the baby. So at first I did not take the epidural. However, they hooked me up to various machines so that they could do continuous electronic fetal monitoring as well as monitor my vital signs etc. This forced me to lay in the hospital bed in one position and I could not get up and change positions to ease the pain as I had been able to do at home. At this point my labor was pretty far along also so the contractions were increasing in strength, frequency and intensity and I began to feel the pain was unbearable as I layed there in one position. The midwife at the Birth Center had said that she would come over as soon as she could, or if she wasn’t able to she would send the midwife on call over to be with me. However I spent most of my laboring time in the hospital without a midwife. This upset me as I had expected that in the case that I got transferred to the hospital, I would still at least have a midwife with me to be my “advocate” so to speak and try to make the experience as similar to my birth plan and expectations as was possible under the circumstances. Finally, I was in so much pain I decided to go ahead and get the epidural. Once I made that decision I had to wait another 45 minutes or so of powerful contractions every 2 minutes or so before I actually got the epidural, because they had to draw and send out some blood tests before they could do the procedure. I got the epidural and honestly, I felt like I was almost in heaven afterward from the pain relief it provided. It was weird to feel numb but by that point I was almost fully dilated and I was so exhausted from having labored for something like 32 hours (and no sleep in that time) that it was a welcome relief. The nurse informed me that we were just waiting for the baby to drop on its own and then she would help me deliver the baby. Finally she came in to check me and we were going to go ahead and push as I was fully dilated. She reached inside me to check the position and was suddenly like, “Wait, don’t push I don’t know about this I need to get a second opinion”. Apparently she was feeling the baby’s nose where its forehead or skull should have been– a somewhat rare position called “asynclitic”. The doctor came in to check and seemed sort of uncertain and decided to get out the sonogram equipment to check position. However the baby had at that point dropped so low that they couldn’t really get a good reading I think because my pelvic bone was in the way. Finally the midwife on call came in at this point. The nurse and doctor decided that because they couldn’t really tell and the baby might be asynclitic, that I should get a cesarean to avoid any trauma to the baby’s neck or spine that might occur from vaginal delivery. I felt really uncertain as I had never heard of this position (I did know about OP positions, breech etc) and I didn’t know what the risks were to me or the baby; also everyone seemed so vague and uncertain about the whole thing. I really wanted some time with the midwife because I thought maybe she could give me an honest (and less “standardized medicine”) run down of what the best course of action would be. Unfortunately she did not seem very definitive either and I really felt like it was all up to me. I already felt exhausted from the long labor and the doctor could not give me anything more conclusive about the risks to the baby other than “trauma to the baby” and things like “it is a very unusual position” so I didn’t know if it was insane to think about trying to deliver vaginally or what. I think I meekly tried to say “could I just try to push a few times” or something but I don’t know if that even really got a response. In the end I just said “well I just want to do whatever is best for the baby” and suddenly I was signing the forms agreeing to the cesarean procedure and whisked away to the operating room.
The cesarean experience itself was very unpleasant for me. They put me in a “crucifix” position where my arms were spread out like I was on a cross and I was under very bright operating lights with tons of people in the room. (Note that in my birth plan I had requested dim lights, soft music and as few people in the room as possible.) I was numbed though still conscious and then they started cutting. I didn’t feel pain but I could feel everything they were doing. At some point they had trouble getting the baby out because she had already dropped so low and it felt like they were jostling around all my internal organs and it was very unpleasant. They did a shift change in the middle of my surgery and a very nice and responsive nurse was replaced by someone who barely stood by me and didn’t seem to want to answer any of my questions about what was going on. He ended up leaving my side to put on some cheesy easy listening music in the middle of the surgery and somehow this just seemed like extra insult to me.
Finally my baby was born and like any mom, I cried with joy and relief when she let her first cry and I knew she was safe. I loved her right away and I was so happy to have her, whatever the delivery had been like. However, I felt sort of “cheated” and mostly just very confused and traumatized by the cesarean procedure itself. Was this procedure really necessary? I still don’t really know for sure but I hope one day I’ll have some resolution.
I am still recovering right now as my baby is only one week old. After spending 4 days in the hospital with monitoring we were finally allowed home. I am starting to feel better but the worst part I think of it all is that the cesarean has made it difficult to do very simple activities in my initial bonding with my baby– such as sitting up in bed to nurse. I know some of this will pass with time but I think it is important that we as a society begin re-examining our increasing reliance on the cesarean as a method of birth. It is after all major surgery and really does make the already difficult initial weeks of motherhood so much more difficult. I congratulate you on this effort and certainly hope to have a vaginal birth if I ever have another child though I admit at this point I am very afraid of the prospect. Best to you all and thank you for sharing your experiences.
I had a traumatic birth experience when laboring with my son, and the following C section was mixed emotionally–I felt coerced in the first place, and relieved that it was all ending.
But I feel just as betrayed by the “stand up for yourself! don’t let medical interventions happen!” crowd as I do by doctors who encourage traumatic birth and dont’ pay attention to it.
My water broke. But then, nothing happened–no contractions. 10 hours went by, still no contractions. All I remembered hearing from the natural birth folks was “don’t let yourself be induced” —well, what the HECK was I supposed to do when the risk of infection to my baby was rising, and my body wasn’t responding?
I didn’t want an induction. I had never wanted one. I didn’t want the pain meds either. But I had an induction, and pain meds, and a horrific experience while on them: I lost sensation up to my nose, and couldn’t feel anything below, including myself breathe. I thought I coudln’t breathe. I thought I was dying.
And then the baby had decels from my contractions, which still weren’t doing any thing. I labored for nearly 12 hours on the pit without getting past 3 cm, and the baby’s heart rate dropping with each ocntraction. We thought we’d lose the baby, and I coudln’t even speak to explain that I thought I was dying.
I was totally unprepared for the induction, the epi, and the side effects, because I ‘d been concentrating so hard on having a natural birth that I was utterly lost in a sea of confusion and pain when I couldn’t have what I wanted. I had no advocate, no preparation, no ability to cope.
And don’t tell me “you should never have let them induce you even if your water broke”–I’d seen the stats. Asking a woman, let alone a first time laborer, to risk her baby for HER own desire for a natural birth is unconscionable.
The subsequent C was the best part of the experience. I hated that, and hated myself for that for several days after the baby arrived, feeling guilty for causing the decels, feeling guilty that I might have killed the baby. But I was overjoyed that I had no pain from my C section recovery, and was able to nurse immediately. I bonded with my baby better than I would have in that haze of epidural and pitocin nightmare even if I had succeeded at a vaginal birth.
So I’m angry, but not at the C section. I’m angry at the induction, the anesthesiologist, the fact that when I needed the anesth, I was too over the top with terror and pain to be able to speak, and that the nurses on shift then and my OB didn’t bother to tell the anesth what I had requested–no narcotics (in the epi), the OB doc for ignoring that, the nurses for not caring about it, and for the natural birth advocators who make women feel like failures for having C sections. That was a trauma I didn’t need.
Hi,
I have three children. The first was born via c/s after arriving at the hospital at 9 cms with a posterior baby, subsequently being given an epidural, pushed for over 3 hours, had a vacuum attempt and then had a c/s.
I went on to vbac…an empowering experience.
I was ready to vbac again and ended up with a posterior baby again….and then a c/s, which has been devastating emotionally to me, especially after having a vbac. This c/s was not pleasant….didn’t get the baby held to my side and was so sick for the medication, I did not see her for 12 hours.
Contact me if you would like to hear more.
I’ll try to make this short. I was induced with pitocin at 42 weeks. The contractions were excruciating, pain medication was NOT helping. The decided to give me an epidural based on the position of the baby in the birth canal, not based on how dilated i was. it worked for awhile, but the pain came back stronger, they tried wiggling the needle around and finally just did it all over again… still didn’t help. There were also monitors inside of me that hurt so bad, i knew it couldn’t be normal. I knew something just wasn’t right. after a total of 23 hours in labor, i wouldn’t dilate passed 9.5cm. they decided to do c-section. I had been telling my ob-gyn the whole time that i thought i would need c-section because my mom had 3 because of a back disease and i too also had back problems and besides that, i am a very tiny person, small bone frame weighing about 92lbs before pregnancy. anyway, i was strapped down and then i felt the knife stab into me, i screamed “i feel it, i feel it!!” the docs were in disbelief, then i went “unresponsive” for 4 minutes. i remember those minutes, even though i was completely drugged up i could hear in their voices that something was terribly wrong, i started to panic that i would be burried alive… i had to do something, anything to let them know i was alive. it took all the power and strength in me to wiggle the fingers on my right hand. i opened my eyes and the doctors were asking me questions… i remember turning my head and looking at my right arm and then watched it as it started convulsing, i heard them yelling “she’s having a seizure!” then they told me they were putting me to sleep, i slurred “ooookkkkaaayyyy”
they cut me open and instead of seeing the back of my son’s head, there was his little face! they tried pulling him out but had to keep cutting me to make the opening bigger… little me had just giving birth to a 9lb 1.5oz baby! over the next 6 days i spent in the hospital i realized that i was somewhat paralyzed in my left leg. i could move it outwards but couldn’t bring it back in, i also couldn’t lift it. they did brain scans, mri’s and other tests… i had to go to physical therapy. It was never explained to me why any of this happened. i gave up asking. and now i wonder of this traumatic had any effects on my son. He’s brilliant… but very anti-social. He has asthma, allergies, ptosis of one eye and strabismis of the other, excema…
i sucked it up and just enjoyed my son. when i got pregnant again, the same ob-gyn would not accept me back. the receptionist told me that they had a mtg about me and wanted to refer me to “high risk”. My daughter was a scheduled c-section, it was a piece of cake in comparison. but after my first experience i was so traumatized, i decided to have my tubes tied at age 25.
I had a 10lb 6oz baby, they bullied me in to being induced because of pre-eclampsia, 2 days before I was due. I then had a ventous and 3 tears. I was stuck on my back with monitors the entire birth. This time around we are planning an elective c-section because if baby is big they will refuse to deliver vaginally due to ‘risks of shoulder dysotcia’. I am not looking forward to it particularly, but from what I have read&my SIL’s account of her c-section I am pretty certain it will be a lot less painful, and I should be able to walk a bit better afterwards, last time I couldn’t walk properly for 3weeks.