In the interest of contradiction…

This is so frustrating for me – to be sitting here with so much to say – and to be constrained within the bars of “propriety” and “graceful woman” and “Christian” and even “feminism”. PROPRIETY does not allow me to say “F–K you. All of you. This is my body. My baby. My life. Piss off.”  CHRISTIANITY does not allow me to say that I ***hate*** doctors that perform surgery on normal, healthy women and babies (because a cesarean is performed on the baby too – let’s not forget that) in the name of liability and scheduling and “long hours” and ignorance. FEMINISM does not allow me to say that I want someone to rescue me from the dungeon of hospital birth.  I want a guardian when I cannot express my wishes, and if/when I do/can they are routinely ignored.  I want the person closest to me (a man) to protect me. GASP. “I am woman, hear me whimper.”

Yeah, I know. A bit of contradiction there huh? I know. Get over it. I’m pissed off today. While giving birth unassisted sound LOVELY when I think of laboring and delivering my baby without ANYONE there but me, VBAC status (and my recent dive into the statistics of uterine rupture) leave me a bit shy of doing so. I can’t have a vaginal birth (no matter how managed they would make it) at the local hospitals. If I hire a midwife – she takes an incredible risk to care for me and emergency back-up is non-existant. I must hope and pray there are no complications.

Yet there are the likes of certain “Dr. Amieees” in the world (and I know I mispelled it. I don’t want her to get any more google tags than she already does) who would say, “Life is hard. Have the section. They are recommending it for a reason. You’re not a doctor. You can trust them.” There are SO many nay-sayers, I find it increasingly in my best interests to not tell anyone of this pregnancy, or my plans to birth at home, and G_d-forbid I mention we won’t circumsize or do routine immunizations! UGH.

Can you hear me screaming?????????

So now for the fine print: I am a Christian. I do not use language like this in real life (can’t say NEVER, but I can say rarely). I am not generally an angry, tantrum-throwing person. But if this scenario, and knowing that hundreds of Missouri women find themselves in just such a predicament, does not bristle YOUR neck hairs too… Well, then you’re reading the wrong blog.

6 thoughts on “In the interest of contradiction…

  1. I found your blog through another birth blog and thought I’d comment.
    As a CBE and doula for over 15 years I can certainly feel your frustration and anger. My doula client last month ended up with a c/sec and my doula partner’s client just yesterday also became another c/sec statistic. Reason for both?? Large babies; probably wouldn’t have fit thru pelvis.
    So frustrating! And for me as an educator the most frustrating part is that my class attendance has dwindled; women just aren’t seeking information. Do what the doctor says and it will all be fine, doctor knows best! Aaargh!
    It’s so easy to put all the blame on doctors (not that I’m saying you think that), but it’s women who need to stand up and say NO and take charge. Take birth back! I wish I knew how to make a real difference in this day and age of maternity care, but some days it feels so hopeless.
    Anyway, just some rambling thoughts…great blog!

  2. I have a friend that VBACed at home with a midwife and continued seeing her OB throughout the pregnancy for prenatals and to keep as “backup” It’s certainly a sad situation when there has to be that deception. But its necessary- I do hope you get the homebirth you want this time around!
    I’ve just breezed thru a bit of your blog and I love your PASSION!!
    I know the anger that can fester inside when we see the insanity around us. Its great that you are letting the anger out, please continue to let it out so that your body will be a peaceful place for your baby to grow!
    Have you read Birthing from Within? It just might be a good read for you as you are dealing with a lot of frustrating Birthing Issues in MO right now.

  3. any interest in midwives who travel to help moms hbac? If so, I can help you find them. Best wishes from a mom who felt pinned to a wall once, then had an amazing hbac!

  4. The funny part in your rant ( which I love, btw!! ) is that *I* feel that I know too much about birth to NOT give birth unassisted next time around. ; ) It’s funny how different people view knowledge about birth, in their scope of comfort with UC.

    ITA with what you’re saying as well. I am Christian, and yet I am considered feminist by fellow Christian women because I believe that women need to stand up and take charge in the area of birth. I am not considered Feminist by the Feminists, because I am against abortion and am for mom’s staying home to raise their family. LOL It’s difficult to walk the line sometimes, isn’t it?

    ( This is Birthkeeper by the way – Christy )

  5. I feel your frustration! I’ve been there so many times with clients. Makes me want to grab certain members of the birth “team” and give ’em a good hard shake!

  6. Found your blog from; very fascinating reading. Sorry to hear of your present situation—what a major bummer! I, too, am in Missouri and pregnant with #3. Because of the horrid birthing climate in this state, I’ve opted to do my own prenatal care and have an unassisted childbirth–actually my second UC. I hate that women have so few seriously viable options…..keep on keeping on. Wishing you a wonderful birth!

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